Tuesday 19 January 2022. Evening

I’m thinking of moving to the coast. It might be remote and isolated from everything and everyone I know, but maybe I’ll meet someone. Make a friend. Even if it’s just myself. Or the sea. But maybe it’s not right, I’m not sure.

Sweden is upping its defence presence on the island of Gotland, in response to the increased Russian activity in Europe. What if Latvia falls? What if Sweden goes to war? Will I leave this island and take up arms to defend my country, like I wish I would? Hopefully I will have the bravery when the time comes. But hopefully that time will never come.

Last night I dreamt about motherhood, and making a wrong decision. I dreamt I went back to an old boyfriend even though he never loved me and I could never be happy with him, just because I was in love with him and was weak and wanted to be seen by him. It was the wrong choice, as I had to leave someone who was much better for me. It was a dream of many layers; I had to go down many stairs before I came to the place where I made that decision. And that deep down, I both fear and desire the wrong choice.

In real life I hope I’d choose the right thing. Whether it be the coast, a war, a lover. I’ll just have to wait and see when I get there. If I ever get there.

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