Control and the courage to fail

I'm trying to lose control. All the control I tried to gain through strict diets, cleaning routines and accent imitations in my twenties only served to give me anxiety in my thirties. Now that I'm older and wiser and happier, I want to let it all go, and be free. Many sleepless nights have been...

Friday the Thirteenth

Today my mother came home from the war in the Holy Land. It is a very fortunate day. She has been in Palestine for seven weeks to accompany, observe and report on the everyday life and challenges of life on the West Bank. She was sent to bear witness on the reality of the residents...

Spring equinox. Tuesday 21 March 2023. Evening

Today, finally, the day is a bit longer than the night. I still have anxiety and nightmares, and worry about what people think. And I worry that I don't eat enough fruit. But there was a new bird singing when I left work, and it was still light. Thinking back to this time last year,...

Saturday 4 February 2023. Morning

For once, the conditions are perfect: housemates away for the weekend, no social plans, no housework, and slightly grey weather. I know I can't always wait for the perfect conditions; they come along too seldom. But now that they're here, and as I've waited long enough, it would be a waste not to use them....

Sunday 22 May 2022. Evening

The swimming spot in the river Cam, Cambridge, May 2022. Photo by Jessica Zarins Went for a long swim this morning. So long I struggled to warm up on the cycle home. It felt incredible, to not be in a rush and to just follow the river. The rest of the day I spent in...

Monday 2 May. Morning

I saw a kingfisher on my walk in Coldham’s Common, and knew it would be a special day. The darting electric blue and brown belly you only see when it lands was unmistakable, and I thought this is the fourth kingfisher I’ve seen in the five years I’ve lived in Cambridge. And it was a...

The entropy of anxiety

Bo Burnham and Sally Rooney are both a few years younger than me, and more talented brilliant and successful than me. But they both seem to suffer many of the same anxieties as me, as our entire generation. Natural and ecological decline, economic hardships, and political uncertainty have been the backdrop to the millennial coming...

Poopy phone: prose

Because of some heart palpitations, caused by stress and anxiety, I'm not drinking at the moment. So I can't even blame it on a good night, dropping my phone in the toilet. It was in my back pocket after watching Ocean's Eleven, tidying up the living room and the kitchen, and when brushing my teeth....

Poopy phone

I dropped my phone into the loo. Beyond repair, all was lost. Three years of photos, texts and memories; the current latest message, pic and tune sent from an ex in anger on what I guess was one bad day. Not even drunk, since I'm not drinking because of issues with my heart, from stress...

Therapy

Hello Doctor. Hello Jessica. What seems to be the problem? I feel an existential dread and anxiety over life itself, while also fearing death; my own, my loved ones, the natural world's. I'm trapped in an abyss-like darkness of my own thinking and the inevitable decline and death of the planet and human society. Petrified...